Husband: Honey, I think we’ve been having WAY too much sex recently. We should cut back.
Wife: No way. We should have even more sex. Also, you should watch more porn.
Husband: Do I have to?
**
Patient: Hey Doc, I’ve been feeling really happy recently.
Doctor: I see. And when exactly did this start?
Patient: Last Tuesday, I think.
Doctor: Un huh. And you’ve been pretty consistently happy since then?
Patient: Yeah, I’ve been enjoying EVERYTHING.
Doctor: Wow, well it’s good you came to see me when you did. Don’t worry, I think we can beat this. . .I’m sorry, not that you could worry. . .
**
Teacher: Ok kids, study up for the test, but remember not to study too hard!
Students: No, we want to study hard!
Teacher: Don’t do it! These are the golden years of your lives--go outside and have fun!
Students: But we want to be high achievers!
Teacher: I would’t recommend it. Did you know that most CEO’s were “C” students? Now me on the other hand, I used to be a high achiever and look where it got me.
Students: But teaching is the most noble profession in the world!
Teacher: You keep dreaming kid.
**
Coach: Joe, you’re the star of this team. I want you to be a real ball hog out there--just take every shot you can.
Joe: No coach! I want to pass and get my teammates involved.
Coach: Absolutely not. Your teammates are much worse than you are.
Joe: But Coach, there’s no “I” in team!
Coach: But there is a me. And that me refers to you personally. Without you, this team just becomes a “ta”. And nobody wants that.
**
Frat guy: I had 10 beers last night!
Frat guy #2: Oh yeah, well I only had 8 beers!
Frat guy: Damn, that is fewer.
**
Guy: Hey do you mind if I give you a kiss goodnight?
Girl: Yes I mind. But you may fuck me instead.
Guy: Oh come on, just one kiss?
Girl: No kissing. Only fucking.
Guy: Fine, but I hate you.
Wife: No way. We should have even more sex. Also, you should watch more porn.
Husband: Do I have to?
**
Patient: Hey Doc, I’ve been feeling really happy recently.
Doctor: I see. And when exactly did this start?
Patient: Last Tuesday, I think.
Doctor: Un huh. And you’ve been pretty consistently happy since then?
Patient: Yeah, I’ve been enjoying EVERYTHING.
Doctor: Wow, well it’s good you came to see me when you did. Don’t worry, I think we can beat this. . .I’m sorry, not that you could worry. . .
**
Teacher: Ok kids, study up for the test, but remember not to study too hard!
Students: No, we want to study hard!
Teacher: Don’t do it! These are the golden years of your lives--go outside and have fun!
Students: But we want to be high achievers!
Teacher: I would’t recommend it. Did you know that most CEO’s were “C” students? Now me on the other hand, I used to be a high achiever and look where it got me.
Students: But teaching is the most noble profession in the world!
Teacher: You keep dreaming kid.
**
Coach: Joe, you’re the star of this team. I want you to be a real ball hog out there--just take every shot you can.
Joe: No coach! I want to pass and get my teammates involved.
Coach: Absolutely not. Your teammates are much worse than you are.
Joe: But Coach, there’s no “I” in team!
Coach: But there is a me. And that me refers to you personally. Without you, this team just becomes a “ta”. And nobody wants that.
**
Frat guy: I had 10 beers last night!
Frat guy #2: Oh yeah, well I only had 8 beers!
Frat guy: Damn, that is fewer.
**
Guy: Hey do you mind if I give you a kiss goodnight?
Girl: Yes I mind. But you may fuck me instead.
Guy: Oh come on, just one kiss?
Girl: No kissing. Only fucking.
Guy: Fine, but I hate you.
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