Medical students can be a little competitive at times

A guy starts choking on something in a restaurant where several medical students are eating dinner.

Med Student #1 (jumps out of chair): Out of the way, I’m going to save this guy!

Med Student #2 (also jumps out of chair): No, I’m going to save him!

Med Student #1: I got it. Come on, I kind of called it.

Med Student #2: Oh, just like you called scoring higher than me on our last exam? And I see how that turned out for you.

Med Student #1: Says the guy who barely passed our last lab. . .where, if I remember correctly, we practiced the Heimlich maneuver. . .can you say irony?

Med Student #2: I was sick for the exam! I’m going to make up for it right now though by saving him before you can!

Med Student #1: Let’s see it then, rock star.

Both med students start to run over to the choking guy.

Med Student #3 (calling out): Um. . .guys? You do realize that we can’t get extra credit for saving someone anymore right?

Med Student #1: Oh really? Well in that case you can save him.

Med Student #2: Nah, that’s okay--it’s all you.

Med Student #1 (peering over): Actually, it might be too late now. . .

Why it’s always good to pay attention to directions

(The Prince glances down at a picture of a beautiful Princess)

Prince: I’m so close, beautiful princess.

(The Prince scales the fortress tower and enters a room with the Princess. The Princess is facing toward the wall).

Prince (triumphantly): Princess Esmerelda, I have valiantly slayed the dragon and have come to free you from this terrible prison!

(The Princess turns around. She is hideously ugly)

Princess Gertrude: Well lookey who came scaling my tower.

(She runs over to the Prince)

Prince (confused): Um. . .who are you and where is Princess Esmerelda?

Princess Gertrude: I’m Princess Gertrude silly! You just gave a speech about wanting to rescue me!
 

Prince: No. . .no, I don’t think I did. I’m here for Princess Esmerelda, the beautiful Princess of the North.

Princess Gertrude: Oh that old hag? She doesn’t live here. But you don’t want to be rescuing her anyway, not when you’ve got little old me.

(The Princess edges closer to the Prince, and he starts to back away)

Prince: So this isn’t the castle of the Northern hills?

Princess Gertrude: Heavens no. This is the castle of the Southern hills.

Prince: Huh? Really?

(The Prince pulls out a map)

Prince: Oh. . .I see what I did. . .I definitely turned right at the forbidden forest when I should have made a left. That must have been it. Gosh, I’m so dumb!

Princess Gertrude: Um. . .shouldn’t you be valiantly carrying me out the front door by now?

Prince: No, I think I should really be going and. . .wait the front door? This place has a door?

Princess Gertrude: Of course. You didn’t think I was trapped in here, did you? No, I just wait here for hunky princes like yourself to come “rescue” me.

Prince: Oh god. Well, anyway, like I said I really should be going. . .

Princess Gertrude (starts blocking the Prince into a corner): I don’t think so sugar butt.

Prince: Um. . .excuse me?

Princess Gertrude: You heard me. Besides, do you really want that Esmerelda? I hear she’s just a dainty virgin. Me, on the other hand--I’ve got some experience. Heinrich can attest to that.

Prince (meekly): Heinrich?

Princess Gertrude (in deep voice): HEINRICH, GET OVER HERE!

(The Princess’s very overweight guard lumbers over)

Princess Gertrude: You don’t mind if Heinrich joins, do you?

(pause)

Prince (loudly): I need to be rescued! Is there anyone out there who can rescue me!? You just turn right at the forbidden forest!

Why you should never mock a magician

Magician: Ok kids, who wants to see a great trick? I’m now going to make a quarter disappear behind Stacey’s ear! Everyone watch closely!

(The Magician performs the trick)

Crowd of Kids: Ooooohh! Ahhhhhh!

Magician: Thanks kids!

Tommy: (to crowd) Really guys? Really? (to magician) That trick was lame. You just kept the quarter in your hand the whole time. Anyone could do that.

Magician (slightly flustered): Well, I don’t really think anyone could do it, but anyway kids now I’ve got a trick you’re really going to love! Check out this rabbit in my top hat. But now. . .when I wave my magic wand. . .

Tommy: Um. . .let me guess. . .the rabbit disappears?

Magician: That was a rhetorical question young Tommy! Anyway, when I wave my magic wand. . .the rabbit does disappear!

(Magician shows off his empty top hat. Some kids clap but other kids are now skeptical)

Tommy: Boo! Obviously the the rabbit is still inside the hat.You’re not a magician--you’re a fraud! And is it really healthy to keep a rabbit locked inside a hat?

Susie (saddened): The rabbit is locked inside the hat???

Magician (getting more flustered): Of course not Susie! (The rabbit peaks its head out and the magician quickly stuffs it back in) Tommy. . .I’m losing a little bit of patience here. . .

Tommy: Yeah well PETA is losing a little bit of respect for magicians like you so I guess we’re even.

Magician (now angry): Ok Tommy, you want to do things this way? Why don’t you step right on stage for my next trick?

Tommy (sarcastically): Oh no. . .what’s the big bad magician going to do to me?

Magician (now smirking): Kids, for my next trick. . .I will make Tommy’s self-respect disappear!

Tommy: Ha ha. . .wait my what?

Magician: Hey Tommy, why can’t you find the toilet at night?

Tommy: Huh?

Magician: I don’t know, but you sure do wet the bed a lot!

Tommy (slightly flustered): I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Magician: Oh sure Tommy. . .just like you don’t know where your mommy goes every
weekend?

Tommy: Ok, this is getting a little weird now.

Magician: Ha ha. . .we’re just getting started Tommy. . .for my next and final trick, I will make Tommy’s parents’ marriage disappear!

Tommy (nervously): Fine, fine you win. . .you really are a great magician. Just leave my parents alone!

Magician (devilishly): No can do Tommy! The papers are already drawn up!

(The rabbit suddenly jumps out of the magician’s hat and scampers away)

Tommy (sarcastically): Well if you are as bad at making marriages disappear as anything else, I guess I don’t have THAT much to worry about.

Why girls take so long to get ready

Mike and Joe sit at a table for 4 at a fancy Italian restaurant.
   
Mike (looks at watch): Gosh, where are they? They’re an hour late.
Joe: You know girls. They’re always late.

At Susan’s apartment. . .

Susan (singing as she brushes her hair): Girls just want to have fun! Hey Rachel, are you almost ready?

Rachel: Yeah, almost. I just have to blow dry my hair, put on mascara, wax my cuticles, put on lipstick, iron my shirt, wash the lipstick off, put on blush, and then reapply the lipstick. Then I’m ready!

Susan: Oh, is that all? I’ve got a lot more than that to do!

At the restaurant. . .

Mike (looking intensely at watch): Is it just me, or are they really taking this long? What could they possibly be doing?

Joe: No idea. How long did it take us to get ready?

Mike: 15 minutes. But we were going pretty slow today.

At Susan’s apartment. . .

Rachel: Ok, I’m ready! (looks at Susan). Wait, is THAT what you’re wearing? Now I have to put something else on. Here, let me go try on everything in my closet again.

Susan: No problem. I need a few more hours anyway.

At the restaurant. . .

Mike: So. . .should we just order?

Joe: Oh, I went ahead and ordered while you were in the bathroom.

Mike: You sneak attacked ordered???

Joe: Yeah, but don’t worry--I got you breadsticks.

Mike: Ok cool.

At Susan’s apartment. . .

Rachel: Ok, let’s head out. I’m feeling good! Woo!

Susan: Wooo! So. . .where’s the restaurant?
Rachel: I dunno. Which restaurant are we even going to?

Susan: I don’t know. I think it’s that one near the palm trees and outlet malls.

Rachel: Oh yeah, the one with the great wine right?

Susan: Yeah, that one!

At the restaurant. . .

Mike (in between bites): This really is rude of the girls.

Joe: You’re right. We should tell them that this is unacceptable.

Mike: Oh don’t you worry. I’m going to give them a piece of my mind when they get here. You might have to hold me back.

(The girls arrive.)

Susan: Hey Mike!

Rachel: Hey Joe!

Mike: Do you girls realize what time it is?

Susan (makes sexy puppy dog face): No. . .what time is it baby?

Mike: Um. . .well it’s actually. . .I mean it’s kinda. . .damn you’re hot.

Joe: So hot.

Mission Accomplished

In 2003, President Bush made headlines by showing off a “Mission Accomplished” banner on an aircraft carrier as the Iraq war was still being fought. This actually wasn’t the first time the President declared something finished when it wasn’t quite over yet. . .

Bush: Wow, that was a great meal ya’ll! I am stuffed to the brim! Mission accomplished!

Advisor: Um. . .Mr. President. . .did you just eat the entire table’s bowl of soup? We actually still have 4 more courses. . .

Bush: Well shucks.

**

(The President sets down his Kindle)

Bush: Well that book was mighty swell. I read the whole thing in one day. Mission accomplished!

Advisor: Um. . .Mr. President. . .you’re only on page 4. . .all you did was finish the table of contents. Did you really think Gone with the Wind was only 4 pages?

Bush (stubbornly): I knew I should have just rented the movie.

**

Bush: Yee haw! Right on target! Definitely mission accomplished!

Mrs. Bush: Um. . .honey, you definitely have not finished yet. In fact, you're actually still wearing your pants.

Bush (pause): Oh yeah. . .I guess you’re right. I was wondering why you felt like jeans.