(The Prince glances down at a picture of a beautiful Princess)
Prince: I’m so close, beautiful princess.
(The Prince scales the fortress tower and enters a room with the Princess. The Princess is facing toward the wall).
Prince (triumphantly): Princess Esmerelda, I have valiantly slayed the dragon and have come to free you from this terrible prison!
(The Princess turns around. She is hideously ugly)
Princess Gertrude: Well lookey who came scaling my tower.
(She runs over to the Prince)
Prince (confused): Um. . .who are you and where is Princess Esmerelda?
Princess Gertrude: I’m Princess Gertrude silly! You just gave a speech about wanting to rescue me!
Prince: I’m so close, beautiful princess.
(The Prince scales the fortress tower and enters a room with the Princess. The Princess is facing toward the wall).
Prince (triumphantly): Princess Esmerelda, I have valiantly slayed the dragon and have come to free you from this terrible prison!
(The Princess turns around. She is hideously ugly)
Princess Gertrude: Well lookey who came scaling my tower.
(She runs over to the Prince)
Prince (confused): Um. . .who are you and where is Princess Esmerelda?
Princess Gertrude: I’m Princess Gertrude silly! You just gave a speech about wanting to rescue me!
Prince: No. . .no, I don’t think I did. I’m here for Princess Esmerelda, the beautiful Princess of the North.
Princess Gertrude: Oh that old hag? She doesn’t live here. But you don’t want to be rescuing her anyway, not when you’ve got little old me.
(The Princess edges closer to the Prince, and he starts to back away)
Prince: So this isn’t the castle of the Northern hills?
Princess Gertrude: Heavens no. This is the castle of the Southern hills.
Prince: Huh? Really?
(The Prince pulls out a map)
Prince: Oh. . .I see what I did. . .I definitely turned right at the forbidden forest when I should have made a left. That must have been it. Gosh, I’m so dumb!
Princess Gertrude: Um. . .shouldn’t you be valiantly carrying me out the front door by now?
Prince: No, I think I should really be going and. . .wait the front door? This place has a door?
Princess Gertrude: Of course. You didn’t think I was trapped in here, did you? No, I just wait here for hunky princes like yourself to come “rescue” me.
Prince: Oh god. Well, anyway, like I said I really should be going. . .
Princess Gertrude (starts blocking the Prince into a corner): I don’t think so sugar butt.
Prince: Um. . .excuse me?
Princess Gertrude: You heard me. Besides, do you really want that Esmerelda? I hear she’s just a dainty virgin. Me, on the other hand--I’ve got some experience. Heinrich can attest to that.
Prince (meekly): Heinrich?
Princess Gertrude (in deep voice): HEINRICH, GET OVER HERE!
(The Princess’s very overweight guard lumbers over)
Princess Gertrude: You don’t mind if Heinrich joins, do you?
(pause)
Prince (loudly): I need to be rescued! Is there anyone out there who can rescue me!? You just turn right at the forbidden forest!
Princess Gertrude: Oh that old hag? She doesn’t live here. But you don’t want to be rescuing her anyway, not when you’ve got little old me.
(The Princess edges closer to the Prince, and he starts to back away)
Prince: So this isn’t the castle of the Northern hills?
Princess Gertrude: Heavens no. This is the castle of the Southern hills.
Prince: Huh? Really?
(The Prince pulls out a map)
Prince: Oh. . .I see what I did. . .I definitely turned right at the forbidden forest when I should have made a left. That must have been it. Gosh, I’m so dumb!
Princess Gertrude: Um. . .shouldn’t you be valiantly carrying me out the front door by now?
Prince: No, I think I should really be going and. . .wait the front door? This place has a door?
Princess Gertrude: Of course. You didn’t think I was trapped in here, did you? No, I just wait here for hunky princes like yourself to come “rescue” me.
Prince: Oh god. Well, anyway, like I said I really should be going. . .
Princess Gertrude (starts blocking the Prince into a corner): I don’t think so sugar butt.
Prince: Um. . .excuse me?
Princess Gertrude: You heard me. Besides, do you really want that Esmerelda? I hear she’s just a dainty virgin. Me, on the other hand--I’ve got some experience. Heinrich can attest to that.
Prince (meekly): Heinrich?
Princess Gertrude (in deep voice): HEINRICH, GET OVER HERE!
(The Princess’s very overweight guard lumbers over)
Princess Gertrude: You don’t mind if Heinrich joins, do you?
(pause)
Prince (loudly): I need to be rescued! Is there anyone out there who can rescue me!? You just turn right at the forbidden forest!
