Google Maps may not have worked as well for other generations

1500’s

A. Start: Europe
B. End: New World

Time: 3 months
(6 months if your captain is a drunk. And he is.)

Sailing directions:

1. Start at Europe
2. Head west along the ocean.
3. Keep going for a long time.
4. Look up at the stars every once in a while. That bright one probably means something.
5. Hit dry land! This isn’t the New World though. It’s just some islands. Idiot.
6. Go Northwest to the real New World
7. Destination will be in front of you.
8. End at The New World
9. Duck! There are Native American arrows flying at you!


1800’s

A. Start: Chicago
B. End: Pacific Ocean

Time: 5 months
(7 months if your oxen are tired)

Oxen-drawn carriage directions:

1. Start at Chicago
2. Head west to St. Louis.
3. Stop there to pick up 26 pounds of meat, a chest of tools, and Grandma
4. Head west along the Oregon Trail
5. Reach large river. Choose if you will ford the river or not. Just kidding--these are directions not a damn Choose-Your-Own adventure.
6. After fording the river (and losing a few oxen), continue following the trail straight for 845 miles.
7. Listen to your child ask “Are we there yet?” every half mile for the whole 845 miles.
8. End at The Pacific Ocean
9. Immediately contract dysentery and die

2200’s

A. Start: Earth
B. End: Galaxy Far, Far Away

Time: 1.3 seconds
(1.4 seconds if you have an old teleporter)

Teleporter directions:

1. Start at Earth
2. Step into teleporter.
3. Arrive at Galaxy Far, Far Away
4. Realize that you forgot your shoes and now you’ll have to go ALL the way back to Earth to get them