Why you should never mock a magician

Magician: Ok kids, who wants to see a great trick? I’m now going to make a quarter disappear behind Stacey’s ear! Everyone watch closely!

(The Magician performs the trick)

Crowd of Kids: Ooooohh! Ahhhhhh!

Magician: Thanks kids!

Tommy: (to crowd) Really guys? Really? (to magician) That trick was lame. You just kept the quarter in your hand the whole time. Anyone could do that.

Magician (slightly flustered): Well, I don’t really think anyone could do it, but anyway kids now I’ve got a trick you’re really going to love! Check out this rabbit in my top hat. But now. . .when I wave my magic wand. . .

Tommy: Um. . .let me guess. . .the rabbit disappears?

Magician: That was a rhetorical question young Tommy! Anyway, when I wave my magic wand. . .the rabbit does disappear!

(Magician shows off his empty top hat. Some kids clap but other kids are now skeptical)

Tommy: Boo! Obviously the the rabbit is still inside the hat.You’re not a magician--you’re a fraud! And is it really healthy to keep a rabbit locked inside a hat?

Susie (saddened): The rabbit is locked inside the hat???

Magician (getting more flustered): Of course not Susie! (The rabbit peaks its head out and the magician quickly stuffs it back in) Tommy. . .I’m losing a little bit of patience here. . .

Tommy: Yeah well PETA is losing a little bit of respect for magicians like you so I guess we’re even.

Magician (now angry): Ok Tommy, you want to do things this way? Why don’t you step right on stage for my next trick?

Tommy (sarcastically): Oh no. . .what’s the big bad magician going to do to me?

Magician (now smirking): Kids, for my next trick. . .I will make Tommy’s self-respect disappear!

Tommy: Ha ha. . .wait my what?

Magician: Hey Tommy, why can’t you find the toilet at night?

Tommy: Huh?

Magician: I don’t know, but you sure do wet the bed a lot!

Tommy (slightly flustered): I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Magician: Oh sure Tommy. . .just like you don’t know where your mommy goes every
weekend?

Tommy: Ok, this is getting a little weird now.

Magician: Ha ha. . .we’re just getting started Tommy. . .for my next and final trick, I will make Tommy’s parents’ marriage disappear!

Tommy (nervously): Fine, fine you win. . .you really are a great magician. Just leave my parents alone!

Magician (devilishly): No can do Tommy! The papers are already drawn up!

(The rabbit suddenly jumps out of the magician’s hat and scampers away)

Tommy (sarcastically): Well if you are as bad at making marriages disappear as anything else, I guess I don’t have THAT much to worry about.

Why girls take so long to get ready

Mike and Joe sit at a table for 4 at a fancy Italian restaurant.
   
Mike (looks at watch): Gosh, where are they? They’re an hour late.
Joe: You know girls. They’re always late.

At Susan’s apartment. . .

Susan (singing as she brushes her hair): Girls just want to have fun! Hey Rachel, are you almost ready?

Rachel: Yeah, almost. I just have to blow dry my hair, put on mascara, wax my cuticles, put on lipstick, iron my shirt, wash the lipstick off, put on blush, and then reapply the lipstick. Then I’m ready!

Susan: Oh, is that all? I’ve got a lot more than that to do!

At the restaurant. . .

Mike (looking intensely at watch): Is it just me, or are they really taking this long? What could they possibly be doing?

Joe: No idea. How long did it take us to get ready?

Mike: 15 minutes. But we were going pretty slow today.

At Susan’s apartment. . .

Rachel: Ok, I’m ready! (looks at Susan). Wait, is THAT what you’re wearing? Now I have to put something else on. Here, let me go try on everything in my closet again.

Susan: No problem. I need a few more hours anyway.

At the restaurant. . .

Mike: So. . .should we just order?

Joe: Oh, I went ahead and ordered while you were in the bathroom.

Mike: You sneak attacked ordered???

Joe: Yeah, but don’t worry--I got you breadsticks.

Mike: Ok cool.

At Susan’s apartment. . .

Rachel: Ok, let’s head out. I’m feeling good! Woo!

Susan: Wooo! So. . .where’s the restaurant?
Rachel: I dunno. Which restaurant are we even going to?

Susan: I don’t know. I think it’s that one near the palm trees and outlet malls.

Rachel: Oh yeah, the one with the great wine right?

Susan: Yeah, that one!

At the restaurant. . .

Mike (in between bites): This really is rude of the girls.

Joe: You’re right. We should tell them that this is unacceptable.

Mike: Oh don’t you worry. I’m going to give them a piece of my mind when they get here. You might have to hold me back.

(The girls arrive.)

Susan: Hey Mike!

Rachel: Hey Joe!

Mike: Do you girls realize what time it is?

Susan (makes sexy puppy dog face): No. . .what time is it baby?

Mike: Um. . .well it’s actually. . .I mean it’s kinda. . .damn you’re hot.

Joe: So hot.

Mission Accomplished

In 2003, President Bush made headlines by showing off a “Mission Accomplished” banner on an aircraft carrier as the Iraq war was still being fought. This actually wasn’t the first time the President declared something finished when it wasn’t quite over yet. . .

Bush: Wow, that was a great meal ya’ll! I am stuffed to the brim! Mission accomplished!

Advisor: Um. . .Mr. President. . .did you just eat the entire table’s bowl of soup? We actually still have 4 more courses. . .

Bush: Well shucks.

**

(The President sets down his Kindle)

Bush: Well that book was mighty swell. I read the whole thing in one day. Mission accomplished!

Advisor: Um. . .Mr. President. . .you’re only on page 4. . .all you did was finish the table of contents. Did you really think Gone with the Wind was only 4 pages?

Bush (stubbornly): I knew I should have just rented the movie.

**

Bush: Yee haw! Right on target! Definitely mission accomplished!

Mrs. Bush: Um. . .honey, you definitely have not finished yet. In fact, you're actually still wearing your pants.

Bush (pause): Oh yeah. . .I guess you’re right. I was wondering why you felt like jeans.