8 Completely Ebola-Free Jokes!

1. America’s Next Top Model: Starburst Edition would be a lot harder contest to judge

2. Kim Kardashian is the artificial sweetner of the human world. You know how fake she is, but dammit she’s everywhere and you just can’t resist

3. Tinder has really simplified the pick-up process, but I think we can do more. Why not just cut to the chase and have an app that lets you exchange boob and dick pics? Oh wait, that’s Snapchat.

4. Old people seem like they have all the time in the world, but they really don’t.

5. A girl’s true colors come out in the bedroom. Usually those colors are much lighter, because it’s harder to tan those places.

6. Sometimes when my roommate's cat kneads me I pretend like I’m getting a massage from a tiny person. The happy endings are never as good though.

7. You should see my acting when there is a seat next to me on a public bus. When a dude walks past, I’m just the sickest, grossest guy of all time, sniffling and shit. Then when a cute girl walks past, I’m suddenly a dapper gentleman, sitting up straight and smiling. Somehow, the dude always takes the seat anyway.

8. Just so everyone is aware, a lot of Swedish girls look like models AND they strongly prefer one-night stands to formal dating (according to Swedes I’ve spoken to). When God heard this, he immediately moved Heaven there, so don’t worry if you can’t go in your life - you’ll make it there eventually.

If Objects Could Talk

LOCK AND KEY

• Lock: Oh, here you come! Our embrace shall be short but sweet!
• Key: Yes lock, yes! I love you!
• Lock: I love you too. . .oh, it’s over. Back to doing nothing for hours

NEWSPAPER

• Yes! Yes pick me up! See, I still matter! I’m a physical representation of information!! Wait, don’t take me over there!!! DON’T YOU KNOW WHAT THE HAMSTER DOES OVER THERE?!?!?

ALARM CLOCK

• GET UP GET UP GET UP GET UP. Okay I’ll sleep for a little bit. . .OKAY TIME’S UP GET UP GET UP GET UP.

OLD SHOWER

• Ahh I’m nice and comfortable. . .NO I’M NOT, I’M SUPER HOT FOR NO REASON. . .ahhh back to comfortable . . .NOPE NOW FREEZING COLDNESS BRRRRR. . .woo I am a rush huh?

YELLOW STARBURST

• Yeah, you bragged earlier, Red and Pink, but who is laughing now, eh?? Me, because I’m NOT in some kid’s stomach. Yeah, I can just chillax and do whatever. . .it’s pretty chill. Yeah, just hanging out . . .so is anyone around? Anyone at all?? Damn this is boring.

WATER BOTTLE

• Jeeze man, make out with me again why don’t you?

TV REMOTE

• Dude, I’m here under the couch! Can’t you see me?? God I can’t believe you lost me again. Don’t you care man? Don’t you realize that I’M THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN SAVE YOU IF BIG BANG THEORY COMES ON!

DRIED OUT PEN

• Hey, just FYI I’m totes empty. . .dude, stop writing so hard, as I mentioned I have no ink. . .MY GOD MAN I’M OUT JESUS. .. aaaannnd now I’ve been thrown out the window.

The 7 FUNNIEST jokes in the world.

1) Whenever I see a signed business contract, I always think the person could have gotten their 4-year-old to sign and I’d never know the difference.

2) It was recently 60 degrees, cloudy, and a little windy. In Sydney, they call that “terrible weather”. In London, they call that “weather”.

3) I wonder if chimps ever look at humans and think “What the fuck evolution? We’re over here grunting and throwing feces and those guys are over there watching reality TV and listening to One Direction. On second thought maybe we’re not that bad off.”

4) I’m always astonished when I have a bad bus driver. Isn’t good driving ability literally the only qualification of the job? It would be like if I was a librarian and someone asked me for a book recommendation and I was like “Oh sorry, I can’t really read that good.”

5) Why do old people feel the need to feed pigeons? If they need a friend I’ll be their damn friend. And I come with 72% fewer diseases.

6) They were going to open an IKEA spin-off called “IKEA: Satin Version”, but people couldn’t really tell the difference from the original.

7) Last night I got hit on by a creepy guy at a bar. Between that and Emma Watson’s speech, I definitely better understand the female perspective. Jeez, sometimes a guy just wants to dance!

7 Rejected Sydney Transit Slogans

1) Variable Bus Arrivals! Keeping you on your feet. Figuratively and literally.

2) Trains that Take you Everywhere. . .the train goes, which is not far.

3) Sydney Taxis! Bringing the world's worst drivers to your door since a long time ago.

4) Sydney Car Share! Remember to drive on the left - I SAID LEFT AHHHH!

5) Sydney Drivers! Always respecting a Pedestrian's right to inspect their front bumpers.

6) Sydney Airport - Convenient  international access to New Zealand! And nothing else.

And my favorite:

7) Sydney Public Transit! Don't complain, you COULD live in an American city.

7 More Realistic Graffiti Expressions

1) I DO WHAT I WANT...you know, within the laws of physics- like I don’t fly, for instance.

2) JOHN WAS HERE...in spirit. In reality he was at home playing Call of Duty.

3) JOEY HEARTS MARY 4 3-4 MONTHS TOPS...there are other girls out there you know.

4) FUCK DA POLICE...unless, you know, there’s an actual criminal around.

5) SAVE THE WHALES...I Like Sea World too much to see them go extinct.

6) MADE IT TO THE TOP OF DA MOUNTAIN...thanks to my car and multiple buses.

7) FIGHT DA MAN...through anonymous art and Facebook likes. No real action though.

ALLstralia All the Time: Jokes from my time in Sydney

- Sydney is such a safe city that if someone hears a gunshot, they yell “Oh no! Someone’s car broke down! How can I help?”

- Sydney cops are actually so bored that they wear blindfolds to encourage crime. “OMG guys! We can’t see ANYTHING! I hope some CRIMINALS don’t find out about this!”

- Sydneysiders make the same scrunched-up, grumpy face when it rains that every girl makes when she sees me naked. They are NOT fans.

- I got excited when a doctor I randomly chose in Sydney turned out to be attractive. Then I thought: “Could her attractiveness save my life?” And i realized no, but at least it will be a happy death.

- In China, people “line up” for buses like the world outside the bus is 10 seconds from blowing up. In Sydney, they line up like there is hot lava all around the line, and if they take even a step out of it they’ll likely melt.

- But Sydney is not perfect. For instance, Sydneysiders care a LOT about what suburb you’re from. And never say Western Sydney, or you might be laughed out of the room. I used to think that was a bit prejudiced. But then I went and saw the 23 hours of darkness and giant roving monster bugs and realized, yeah, I’d prefer the eastern suburbs too!

- The difference between Sydney, San Francisco and Beijing can be summed up in the responses you’ll get to the following question: “Where can I get some good drugs?” In Sydney you’ll be taken to a nearby pharmacy, in San Francisco you’ll be taken to Dolores Park, and in Beijing you’ll be hauled off to jail and never heard from again.

- Don’t get me wrong though, Sydney is definitely not boring. And it’s always nice seeing the kangaroos just hopping down the street. . . just kidding there are assuredly NOT kangaroos just hopping down the street! And if you believed that for even a second you should probably come visit so you can replace your Aussie stereotypes with real memories of this beautiful place.

The 10 Reasons She Never Texted You Back

1) A weird phone carrier malfunction that only affected her phone. These are getting more common.

2) She dropped her phone in the toilet. Or the ocean. Maybe a mermaid will LOL at your cheesy joke.

3) “Wait, you have to press Send??” - Her

4) She’s been SUPER busy. In fact, she hasn’t even really looked at her phone, except of course to take #selfies.

5) She’s taking the time to craft the perfect reply. Not everyone has an Emily Dickinson inside them like you do.

6) She doesn't read too good. You might try communicating to her through a reality TV show.

7) Um, people actually send snapchats now. What are you, her grandma?

8) She wants to reply, but is a little intimidated. Maybe try being a little less good looking?

9) She actually did reply. Wait, you didn’t DELETE it, did you?

10) She’s just not that into you. . . HAHA just kidding! This is definitely NOT the reason.

Whatever it is, you’d better start Googling her to be sure she’s still alive. You know, better safe than sorry and all.

I Made a Funny

Dating

• I met this girl on Tinder the other night. It was love at first sight. . .of her boobs.
• I used to do online dating, and then I realized people could actually have cyber sex in person.

Drugs

• I thought about doing drugs once, but I was flat out of Tylenol. So I just smoked weed instead.

Bars

• Bouncers in Sydney have this tendency of asking you strange questions to see how drunk you are. This guy asks me how many drinks I’ve had, I tell him one, and then he asks “Why did you have a drink?” And I stood there in stunned silence. Finally I was like, “Because it was delicious!”
• Sometimes I set my drink down on random tables to see if anyone will spike it with drugs. Hey, free is free.

Animals

• Watching an awkward guy hit on a hot girl is like watching a Discovery Show channel about the African savannah, only the lion is retarded and the antelope is actually a shark that eats lions.
• I wonder if baby kangaroos every get motion sickness from riding around in a pouch all day.

How to Fix The MindHunters Screenplay in 7 Steps

I think the 2004 film Mindhunters is one of the worst movies ever made. Luckily, it's pretty easy to fix the script if you follow these 7 steps:

1) Get a printed copy of the script.

2) Sit down in a cozy chair next to the fire.

3) Make yourself some tea to really get in the writing mood.

4) Open up your laptop screen

5) Peer over your screen outside the window. Wow, it's starting to snow! But you’ve got more important things to focus on.

6) Pick up the script.

7) Now throw that script in the fire and start writing a screenplay that does not suck!

Judging 5 Classic Books by their Titles

I've only read the titles of these 5 classic books, but I'm pretty sure I have a good idea what they're about:

1. Moby Dick - Dark and twisted, it’s the true tale of one prominent DJ’s quest to uncover his true sexuality.

2. Catcher and the Rye - Comedy ensues when a baseball catcher and his wife switch bodies. Can she lead his baseball team to the World Series? More importantly, can he save the bake sale by cooking her specialty rye bread?

3. 1984 - It’s the heart-wrenching story of prisoners #19 and #84, who fell in love but were brutally separated when one is sent to solitary confinement for misbehavior.

4. Pride and Prejudice - In the African grasslands, drought isn’t the only issue one lion pride must overcome when Duncan, a lion with black fur, joins the group.

5. Grapes of Wrath - Just when you thought you were safe…your fruit may not be what it seems.

5 Stories I'll Probably Never Write

I've got lots of ideas for stories, but here are 5 I'll likely never write:

1) The Paint on the Wall - It’s the true story of paint drying, from the paint’s point of view.

2) The Job - It’s the magical story of a man who goes to work every day for 40 years. After that, he retires.

3) Grass - It’s the convoluted, mystical tale of grass that grows, just a little bit at a time.

4) We All Fall Down - It’s the story of 5 children whose lives all change one afternoon when they discover Ring Around the Rosie and play it for several hours, before their parents call them in for dinner.

5) The Lost Puppy - It’s the remarkable story of a puppy who becomes lost, and then never finds his way home. That’s the end of the story.

You Won't Believe the Numbers that Exist Between 1 and 10

Here they are, in no particular order:

1. 7
2. 4
3. 6
4. 8
5. 2
6. 3
7. 5
8. 9

25 Things You Have to Justify to Everyone

1. Your new haircut. Seriously, was there a new guy at the salon or. . .

2. Your date last night. You probably went too far, and also definitely not far enough.

3. That drink. I didn’t know they made alcoholic hawaiian punch for guys. Oh that’s right, they don’t.

4. Politics and religion. Especially on first dates.

5. Your thread count. At least if you ever want someone in your bed with you.

6. Your sperm count. Samesies.

7. Your ankle tattoo. You thought it was “pretty well hidden” but, well, I’m looking at it right now and it’s not pretty.

8. (For girls) That dress. I mean, you’re kinda asking for sex.

9. (For guys) That shirt. I mean, you’re kinda asking for sex. . .to never happen.

10. Your corporate job. No, it’s cool bro, those $5 lattes are definitely worth selling your soul for.

11. Your non-corporate job. Keep on keeping on man. It’s cool that you don’t care what society thinks, and also that you’ll never have nice things.

12. Your apartment’s cleanliness. Oh, you weren't expecting company? Should I come back NEVER?

13. That extra holiday weight. Just kidding, because you’re Santa and bring children happiness. So have another cookie! Oh wait, you’re not Santa at all.

14. That exercise mat that just sits in the corner. “That’s art,” you say. “If I move it it will throw off the feng shui of my place.” That’s not art man. The Mona Lisa is art.

15. Your Nexflix queue. Look, reality tv is fine every once in a while. The point is that your book queue has lots of quality reads. You DO have a book queue right?

16. That thing you did on your birthday. I really didn’t to bring this one up but, well, people are still talking about it. A lot.

17. That mouse that lives in your wall. Either you have pests or you’re the worst pet owner ever and I’m calling PETA immediately.

18. Whether or not you are married. I’m not judging you on this one. But the world IS judging you on this one. Every. Single. Day.

19. Your appearance. I know, I know - don’t judge a book by its cover. But how else do you know what to read, really?

20. Your income level. This one is really only true if you want to live in a market based economy. If not, I hear North Korea is nice this time of year!

21. Your SAT score. “It’s just a number,” you might say. Well, the world is just numbers, numbers of atoms, molecules, ect. so get used to it.

22. Your relationship with your parents. It better be good, but not TOO good because that’s weird.

23. That goldfish you killed when you were 8. You thought you could just flush away the memory eh? Nope, unlike a goldfish my memory is longer than 3 seconds.

24. Every brand you’ve ever used at any time ever. Also, any act that any company that owns any of those brands has ever committed. This one is important.

25. What you’re doing RIGHT NOW. It better be important, it better be educational, and it better NOT be wasting time reading stupid articles linked from Facebook :)