1. America’s Next Top Model: Starburst Edition would be a lot harder contest to judge
2. Kim Kardashian is the artificial sweetner of the human world. You know how fake she is, but dammit she’s everywhere and you just can’t resist
3. Tinder has really simplified the pick-up process, but I think we can do more. Why not just cut to the chase and have an app that lets you exchange boob and dick pics? Oh wait, that’s Snapchat.
4. Old people seem like they have all the time in the world, but they really don’t.
5. A girl’s true colors come out in the bedroom. Usually those colors are much lighter, because it’s harder to tan those places.
6. Sometimes when my roommate's cat kneads me I pretend like I’m getting a massage from a tiny person. The happy endings are never as good though.
7. You should see my acting when there is a seat next to me on a public bus. When a dude walks past, I’m just the sickest, grossest guy of all time, sniffling and shit. Then when a cute girl walks past, I’m suddenly a dapper gentleman, sitting up straight and smiling. Somehow, the dude always takes the seat anyway.
8. Just so everyone is aware, a lot of Swedish girls look like models AND they strongly prefer one-night stands to formal dating (according to Swedes I’ve spoken to). When God heard this, he immediately moved Heaven there, so don’t worry if you can’t go in your life - you’ll make it there eventually.
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