Life’s Not Always a Fairy Tale

An ugly duckling is sitting near a pond with his classmate ducklings.

Normal Duckling: Look at the ugly duckling! He’s so ugly!

Ugly Duckling: Whatever. You can make fun of me all you want. In a few years, I’ll be a beautiful swan!

Normal Duckling: Um, you do realize we’re all going to be beautiful swans right? That’s kinda how it works. Ducklings become swans.

Ugly Duckling (pause): Damn it.

_______

The Little Engine that Could is struggling to make it up the hill.

Little Engine that Could (panting): I wish I could I wish I could I wish I could.

He makes it over the top of the hill.

Little Engine that Could: I did it! Wow, look at the view from up here.

He glances over the other side of the hill.

Little Engine that Could: Wow, the other side of the hill is pretty steep. Good thing I can rest here at the top.

His engine’s momentum starts to carry him over the other side of the hill. He hits the brakes but they don’t work.

Little Engine that Could: Noooooo! I wish I couldn’t I wish I couldn’t I wish I couldn’t!
____________________

Pinocchio is walking through a field.

Pinocchio (to himself): I can’t believe I finally became a real boy. This is so great. Ah, the breeze on my face. Feels so nice.

He notices a bee amongst some flowers.

Pinocchio: Oh, look at that. It’s a cute little bee! Come here bee and say hello!

The bee flies over and stings Pinocchio in the face.

Pinocchio:  What the hell was that?? Ouch, that really hurts!!! All that pain from a little bee?? Jesus, being a human is the worst!! CAN SOMEONE TURN ME BACK INTO WOOD PLEASE???

Why it’s best to keep up with tech trends in Silicon Valley

Girl and guy are chatting in a bar.

Girl: Well anyway, I have to run. It was great meeting you though.

Guy: Sure. It was great chatting with you as well!. We should definitely chat again. . .maybe next time we could get a room?

Girl: Um, excuse me?

Guy: You know, like a chat room?

Girl: What? Do those even still exist?

Guy: Oh yeah, we could get a private one and it would just be the two of us chatting. Very exclusive! I could give you a call about it sometime. Can I get your number?

Girl: I guess. . .

Girl pulls out her iPhone and the guy pulls out an early 2000s flip cell phone. The guy starts typing in the girl’s name very slowly.

Guy: Sorry about this. You know how T9 word is.

Girl: I actually really don’t.

Guy makes a few more mistakes and finally gets frustrated.

Guy: Ah screw it. Why don’t I just look you up online.

Girl: On Facebook?

Guy: No Friendster. It’s really cool. . .are you on it?

Girl: Is this for real?

Guy: Hmm guess not then. Well, no matter, I’ll just “ask” Jeeves if he knows anything about you.

Girl: Huh? Ok this has gone too far. I’m pretty sure no one even said that in the 1990’s. Please tell me you’re joking.

Guy: No. . .I really do have my own desktop computer, and I can use the Internet almost any night because my mom hardly ever gets any calls then!

Girl: I’m out of here.

The girl runs off.

Guy (shouting after her): Ok, well I’ll send you one of those AOL CD’s then so you can get online too!

Idioms my Way

I’ll try anything once. But I won’t try anything twice. I LOVE diversity.

A penny saved is a penny earned. Unless you stole the penny, in which case--give it back! You didn’t earn that penny!

The early bird gets the worm, but then that early bird gets eaten by the early cat, which gets in a fight with the early dog, so maybe it isn’t such a good idea to be early after all.

If a picture is worth a 1000 words, why do parents get so mad when their kids look at porn instead of writing their English papers?

A journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. However, a journey of a single step also begins with a single step. So don’t think just because you took that first step you’ve accomplished anything yet, pal. 

Cheap whores are a dime a dozen. Literally.


Whenever I get stuck between a rock and a hard place, I think "Man, I should have just become a geologist."


Curiosity killed the cat, while the dog still sits there slobbering happily. I guess ignorance really is bliss.

X-Ray Vision

Tommy: Oh my god Jimmy, I think our wish came true! We have x-ray vision!
 
Jimmy: Wow, you’re right. Wait, gross, quit looking at me!

Tommy: Whatever, let’s go outside and see who all we can see!

The boys run outside.

Jimmy: Whoah, look it’s Miss Nickels!

Miss Nickels (waving): Hey boys!

Tommy: She’s more incredible than I could have ever fathomed. This is awesome.

Jimmy: Quiet, you’re ruining the moment!

Miss Nickels goes inside.

Tommy: Well there goes heaven.

Jimmy: I know. . .hey but look over at that lady! She’s kinda far away but she could be a keeper.

Tommy (squinting his eyes): Yeah, she does look kinda hot. . .wait a second. . .dude is that my mom?

Jimmy (also squinting): Ah, maybe it is. I didn’t recognize her because, well, you know. . .

Tommy: Well okay but now you recognize her so quit looking!

Jimmy: Sorry, sorry.

Mrs. Sproutstickle, an older, very obese woman walks up behind them.

Mrs. Sproutstickle: Hello boys.

Tommy (turning around): Oh hey Mrs. Sproutstickle. . .no. . .NO. . .god Jimmy don’t turn around!
 
Jimmy (turning around as well): Why not? What is it. . .oh god. . .OH GOD. . .WHY DIDN’T YOU WARN ME?

Mrs. Sproutstickle: Well that’s no way to welcome your teacher boys. Are you ready for class tomorrow. . .and every day for the next year?

Jimmy: God this is NOT a fair trade-off for Miss Nickels. . .there’s no way I can do this every day for a year.

Tommy: I know, where are all the women’s locker rooms when you need them?

Jimmy: You idiot! That wouldn’t stop us from seeing Sproutstickle! I told you we should have wished for invisibility!

Tommy: I know. Well, there’s always our next lifetime.

Jimmy: True dat. With Sproutstickle around, I’m sure we'll be headed there soon enough.

Medical students can be a little competitive at times

A guy starts choking on something in a restaurant where several medical students are eating dinner.

Med Student #1 (jumps out of chair): Out of the way, I’m going to save this guy!

Med Student #2 (also jumps out of chair): No, I’m going to save him!

Med Student #1: I got it. Come on, I kind of called it.

Med Student #2: Oh, just like you called scoring higher than me on our last exam? And I see how that turned out for you.

Med Student #1: Says the guy who barely passed our last lab. . .where, if I remember correctly, we practiced the Heimlich maneuver. . .can you say irony?

Med Student #2: I was sick for the exam! I’m going to make up for it right now though by saving him before you can!

Med Student #1: Let’s see it then, rock star.

Both med students start to run over to the choking guy.

Med Student #3 (calling out): Um. . .guys? You do realize that we can’t get extra credit for saving someone anymore right?

Med Student #1: Oh really? Well in that case you can save him.

Med Student #2: Nah, that’s okay--it’s all you.

Med Student #1 (peering over): Actually, it might be too late now. . .

Why it’s always good to pay attention to directions

(The Prince glances down at a picture of a beautiful Princess)

Prince: I’m so close, beautiful princess.

(The Prince scales the fortress tower and enters a room with the Princess. The Princess is facing toward the wall).

Prince (triumphantly): Princess Esmerelda, I have valiantly slayed the dragon and have come to free you from this terrible prison!

(The Princess turns around. She is hideously ugly)

Princess Gertrude: Well lookey who came scaling my tower.

(She runs over to the Prince)

Prince (confused): Um. . .who are you and where is Princess Esmerelda?

Princess Gertrude: I’m Princess Gertrude silly! You just gave a speech about wanting to rescue me!
 

Prince: No. . .no, I don’t think I did. I’m here for Princess Esmerelda, the beautiful Princess of the North.

Princess Gertrude: Oh that old hag? She doesn’t live here. But you don’t want to be rescuing her anyway, not when you’ve got little old me.

(The Princess edges closer to the Prince, and he starts to back away)

Prince: So this isn’t the castle of the Northern hills?

Princess Gertrude: Heavens no. This is the castle of the Southern hills.

Prince: Huh? Really?

(The Prince pulls out a map)

Prince: Oh. . .I see what I did. . .I definitely turned right at the forbidden forest when I should have made a left. That must have been it. Gosh, I’m so dumb!

Princess Gertrude: Um. . .shouldn’t you be valiantly carrying me out the front door by now?

Prince: No, I think I should really be going and. . .wait the front door? This place has a door?

Princess Gertrude: Of course. You didn’t think I was trapped in here, did you? No, I just wait here for hunky princes like yourself to come “rescue” me.

Prince: Oh god. Well, anyway, like I said I really should be going. . .

Princess Gertrude (starts blocking the Prince into a corner): I don’t think so sugar butt.

Prince: Um. . .excuse me?

Princess Gertrude: You heard me. Besides, do you really want that Esmerelda? I hear she’s just a dainty virgin. Me, on the other hand--I’ve got some experience. Heinrich can attest to that.

Prince (meekly): Heinrich?

Princess Gertrude (in deep voice): HEINRICH, GET OVER HERE!

(The Princess’s very overweight guard lumbers over)

Princess Gertrude: You don’t mind if Heinrich joins, do you?

(pause)

Prince (loudly): I need to be rescued! Is there anyone out there who can rescue me!? You just turn right at the forbidden forest!

Why you should never mock a magician

Magician: Ok kids, who wants to see a great trick? I’m now going to make a quarter disappear behind Stacey’s ear! Everyone watch closely!

(The Magician performs the trick)

Crowd of Kids: Ooooohh! Ahhhhhh!

Magician: Thanks kids!

Tommy: (to crowd) Really guys? Really? (to magician) That trick was lame. You just kept the quarter in your hand the whole time. Anyone could do that.

Magician (slightly flustered): Well, I don’t really think anyone could do it, but anyway kids now I’ve got a trick you’re really going to love! Check out this rabbit in my top hat. But now. . .when I wave my magic wand. . .

Tommy: Um. . .let me guess. . .the rabbit disappears?

Magician: That was a rhetorical question young Tommy! Anyway, when I wave my magic wand. . .the rabbit does disappear!

(Magician shows off his empty top hat. Some kids clap but other kids are now skeptical)

Tommy: Boo! Obviously the the rabbit is still inside the hat.You’re not a magician--you’re a fraud! And is it really healthy to keep a rabbit locked inside a hat?

Susie (saddened): The rabbit is locked inside the hat???

Magician (getting more flustered): Of course not Susie! (The rabbit peaks its head out and the magician quickly stuffs it back in) Tommy. . .I’m losing a little bit of patience here. . .

Tommy: Yeah well PETA is losing a little bit of respect for magicians like you so I guess we’re even.

Magician (now angry): Ok Tommy, you want to do things this way? Why don’t you step right on stage for my next trick?

Tommy (sarcastically): Oh no. . .what’s the big bad magician going to do to me?

Magician (now smirking): Kids, for my next trick. . .I will make Tommy’s self-respect disappear!

Tommy: Ha ha. . .wait my what?

Magician: Hey Tommy, why can’t you find the toilet at night?

Tommy: Huh?

Magician: I don’t know, but you sure do wet the bed a lot!

Tommy (slightly flustered): I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Magician: Oh sure Tommy. . .just like you don’t know where your mommy goes every
weekend?

Tommy: Ok, this is getting a little weird now.

Magician: Ha ha. . .we’re just getting started Tommy. . .for my next and final trick, I will make Tommy’s parents’ marriage disappear!

Tommy (nervously): Fine, fine you win. . .you really are a great magician. Just leave my parents alone!

Magician (devilishly): No can do Tommy! The papers are already drawn up!

(The rabbit suddenly jumps out of the magician’s hat and scampers away)

Tommy (sarcastically): Well if you are as bad at making marriages disappear as anything else, I guess I don’t have THAT much to worry about.