How to Fix The MindHunters Screenplay in 7 Steps

I think the 2004 film Mindhunters is one of the worst movies ever made. Luckily, it's pretty easy to fix the script if you follow these 7 steps:

1) Get a printed copy of the script.

2) Sit down in a cozy chair next to the fire.

3) Make yourself some tea to really get in the writing mood.

4) Open up your laptop screen

5) Peer over your screen outside the window. Wow, it's starting to snow! But you’ve got more important things to focus on.

6) Pick up the script.

7) Now throw that script in the fire and start writing a screenplay that does not suck!

Judging 5 Classic Books by their Titles

I've only read the titles of these 5 classic books, but I'm pretty sure I have a good idea what they're about:

1. Moby Dick - Dark and twisted, it’s the true tale of one prominent DJ’s quest to uncover his true sexuality.

2. Catcher and the Rye - Comedy ensues when a baseball catcher and his wife switch bodies. Can she lead his baseball team to the World Series? More importantly, can he save the bake sale by cooking her specialty rye bread?

3. 1984 - It’s the heart-wrenching story of prisoners #19 and #84, who fell in love but were brutally separated when one is sent to solitary confinement for misbehavior.

4. Pride and Prejudice - In the African grasslands, drought isn’t the only issue one lion pride must overcome when Duncan, a lion with black fur, joins the group.

5. Grapes of Wrath - Just when you thought you were safe…your fruit may not be what it seems.

5 Stories I'll Probably Never Write

I've got lots of ideas for stories, but here are 5 I'll likely never write:

1) The Paint on the Wall - It’s the true story of paint drying, from the paint’s point of view.

2) The Job - It’s the magical story of a man who goes to work every day for 40 years. After that, he retires.

3) Grass - It’s the convoluted, mystical tale of grass that grows, just a little bit at a time.

4) We All Fall Down - It’s the story of 5 children whose lives all change one afternoon when they discover Ring Around the Rosie and play it for several hours, before their parents call them in for dinner.

5) The Lost Puppy - It’s the remarkable story of a puppy who becomes lost, and then never finds his way home. That’s the end of the story.

You Won't Believe the Numbers that Exist Between 1 and 10

Here they are, in no particular order:

1. 7
2. 4
3. 6
4. 8
5. 2
6. 3
7. 5
8. 9

25 Things You Have to Justify to Everyone

1. Your new haircut. Seriously, was there a new guy at the salon or. . .

2. Your date last night. You probably went too far, and also definitely not far enough.

3. That drink. I didn’t know they made alcoholic hawaiian punch for guys. Oh that’s right, they don’t.

4. Politics and religion. Especially on first dates.

5. Your thread count. At least if you ever want someone in your bed with you.

6. Your sperm count. Samesies.

7. Your ankle tattoo. You thought it was “pretty well hidden” but, well, I’m looking at it right now and it’s not pretty.

8. (For girls) That dress. I mean, you’re kinda asking for sex.

9. (For guys) That shirt. I mean, you’re kinda asking for sex. . .to never happen.

10. Your corporate job. No, it’s cool bro, those $5 lattes are definitely worth selling your soul for.

11. Your non-corporate job. Keep on keeping on man. It’s cool that you don’t care what society thinks, and also that you’ll never have nice things.

12. Your apartment’s cleanliness. Oh, you weren't expecting company? Should I come back NEVER?

13. That extra holiday weight. Just kidding, because you’re Santa and bring children happiness. So have another cookie! Oh wait, you’re not Santa at all.

14. That exercise mat that just sits in the corner. “That’s art,” you say. “If I move it it will throw off the feng shui of my place.” That’s not art man. The Mona Lisa is art.

15. Your Nexflix queue. Look, reality tv is fine every once in a while. The point is that your book queue has lots of quality reads. You DO have a book queue right?

16. That thing you did on your birthday. I really didn’t to bring this one up but, well, people are still talking about it. A lot.

17. That mouse that lives in your wall. Either you have pests or you’re the worst pet owner ever and I’m calling PETA immediately.

18. Whether or not you are married. I’m not judging you on this one. But the world IS judging you on this one. Every. Single. Day.

19. Your appearance. I know, I know - don’t judge a book by its cover. But how else do you know what to read, really?

20. Your income level. This one is really only true if you want to live in a market based economy. If not, I hear North Korea is nice this time of year!

21. Your SAT score. “It’s just a number,” you might say. Well, the world is just numbers, numbers of atoms, molecules, ect. so get used to it.

22. Your relationship with your parents. It better be good, but not TOO good because that’s weird.

23. That goldfish you killed when you were 8. You thought you could just flush away the memory eh? Nope, unlike a goldfish my memory is longer than 3 seconds.

24. Every brand you’ve ever used at any time ever. Also, any act that any company that owns any of those brands has ever committed. This one is important.

25. What you’re doing RIGHT NOW. It better be important, it better be educational, and it better NOT be wasting time reading stupid articles linked from Facebook :)

If Google Search worked like the DMV. . .

Wife: Hey honey, where do you want to go for dinner tonight?

Husband: I dunno. Let’s google it.

He types “restaurant” into Google. 45 minutes later. . .

Husband: Awesome, it says it routed us into the processing queue! We should get search results back within 4-5 hours!

Wife: Wow, that’s so much faster than last time!

***

Mike: Hey Bill, do you know the capital of Mongolia?

Bill: No, but I bet Google does. I’ll just do a little search and. . .oh wait, actually I can’t because Google closes at 4:30.

Mike: But it’s only 4:31.

Bill: Yeah, they’re really strict on that closing time. Yesterday they closed at 4:15.

***

Google Employee (looking at clipboard): Ok now I’m going to need you to execute a search for “dolphins” in Images mode.

Teen Student: Piece of cake.

The student clicks on Video mode by accident and quickly clicks back to Images mode.

Google Employee: Oh, I’m sorry--I’m going to have to dock you a point for that meaning unfortunately you have failed the Google Search Test.

Teen Student (distraught): Noo! Please, it was just an accidental click! I know how to get to Images mode! Here, I’ll do it again! See!

Google Employee: Sorry, a mistake like that on a real computer could have cost you precious seconds. We can’t have that. You can re-take the exam in a month. In the meantime, feel free to use Bing for your Search needs.

Teen Student (crosses arms and pouts): Well I’m glad you’re in a joking mood on the worst day of my life.

How Google Employees would react to an Internet blackout

Googler #1: Guys, the Internet is down! What the hell do we do?!

Googler #2: The Internet is WHAT? Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod.

Googler #1: Calm down. It’s going to be okay. We obviously can’t do any work now, so I guess we should all go home.

Googler #2: To our houses? have no idea how to get there! I always just use Google Maps!

Googler #1: Crap. Me too. Well I just ordered a pizza online so we should be okay on the food front.

Googler #2: Phew. I guess we’ll just have to wait it out here.

Googler #1: Wait a second. . .oh no. . .OH NO. . .I just remembered that I hadn’t confirmed the order online yet! The pizza’s not coming!

Googler #2: WHAT?! No pizza?! We’re all going to starve! And I can’t even email my parents goodbye!

Googler #1: I know. And to think that this could have been the one time I had an interesting tweet.

Googler #2: Hashtag sad.