25 Things You Have to Justify to Everyone

1. Your new haircut. Seriously, was there a new guy at the salon or. . .

2. Your date last night. You probably went too far, and also definitely not far enough.

3. That drink. I didn’t know they made alcoholic hawaiian punch for guys. Oh that’s right, they don’t.

4. Politics and religion. Especially on first dates.

5. Your thread count. At least if you ever want someone in your bed with you.

6. Your sperm count. Samesies.

7. Your ankle tattoo. You thought it was “pretty well hidden” but, well, I’m looking at it right now and it’s not pretty.

8. (For girls) That dress. I mean, you’re kinda asking for sex.

9. (For guys) That shirt. I mean, you’re kinda asking for sex. . .to never happen.

10. Your corporate job. No, it’s cool bro, those $5 lattes are definitely worth selling your soul for.

11. Your non-corporate job. Keep on keeping on man. It’s cool that you don’t care what society thinks, and also that you’ll never have nice things.

12. Your apartment’s cleanliness. Oh, you weren't expecting company? Should I come back NEVER?

13. That extra holiday weight. Just kidding, because you’re Santa and bring children happiness. So have another cookie! Oh wait, you’re not Santa at all.

14. That exercise mat that just sits in the corner. “That’s art,” you say. “If I move it it will throw off the feng shui of my place.” That’s not art man. The Mona Lisa is art.

15. Your Nexflix queue. Look, reality tv is fine every once in a while. The point is that your book queue has lots of quality reads. You DO have a book queue right?

16. That thing you did on your birthday. I really didn’t to bring this one up but, well, people are still talking about it. A lot.

17. That mouse that lives in your wall. Either you have pests or you’re the worst pet owner ever and I’m calling PETA immediately.

18. Whether or not you are married. I’m not judging you on this one. But the world IS judging you on this one. Every. Single. Day.

19. Your appearance. I know, I know - don’t judge a book by its cover. But how else do you know what to read, really?

20. Your income level. This one is really only true if you want to live in a market based economy. If not, I hear North Korea is nice this time of year!

21. Your SAT score. “It’s just a number,” you might say. Well, the world is just numbers, numbers of atoms, molecules, ect. so get used to it.

22. Your relationship with your parents. It better be good, but not TOO good because that’s weird.

23. That goldfish you killed when you were 8. You thought you could just flush away the memory eh? Nope, unlike a goldfish my memory is longer than 3 seconds.

24. Every brand you’ve ever used at any time ever. Also, any act that any company that owns any of those brands has ever committed. This one is important.

25. What you’re doing RIGHT NOW. It better be important, it better be educational, and it better NOT be wasting time reading stupid articles linked from Facebook :)

If Google Search worked like the DMV. . .

Wife: Hey honey, where do you want to go for dinner tonight?

Husband: I dunno. Let’s google it.

He types “restaurant” into Google. 45 minutes later. . .

Husband: Awesome, it says it routed us into the processing queue! We should get search results back within 4-5 hours!

Wife: Wow, that’s so much faster than last time!

***

Mike: Hey Bill, do you know the capital of Mongolia?

Bill: No, but I bet Google does. I’ll just do a little search and. . .oh wait, actually I can’t because Google closes at 4:30.

Mike: But it’s only 4:31.

Bill: Yeah, they’re really strict on that closing time. Yesterday they closed at 4:15.

***

Google Employee (looking at clipboard): Ok now I’m going to need you to execute a search for “dolphins” in Images mode.

Teen Student: Piece of cake.

The student clicks on Video mode by accident and quickly clicks back to Images mode.

Google Employee: Oh, I’m sorry--I’m going to have to dock you a point for that meaning unfortunately you have failed the Google Search Test.

Teen Student (distraught): Noo! Please, it was just an accidental click! I know how to get to Images mode! Here, I’ll do it again! See!

Google Employee: Sorry, a mistake like that on a real computer could have cost you precious seconds. We can’t have that. You can re-take the exam in a month. In the meantime, feel free to use Bing for your Search needs.

Teen Student (crosses arms and pouts): Well I’m glad you’re in a joking mood on the worst day of my life.

How Google Employees would react to an Internet blackout

Googler #1: Guys, the Internet is down! What the hell do we do?!

Googler #2: The Internet is WHAT? Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod.

Googler #1: Calm down. It’s going to be okay. We obviously can’t do any work now, so I guess we should all go home.

Googler #2: To our houses? have no idea how to get there! I always just use Google Maps!

Googler #1: Crap. Me too. Well I just ordered a pizza online so we should be okay on the food front.

Googler #2: Phew. I guess we’ll just have to wait it out here.

Googler #1: Wait a second. . .oh no. . .OH NO. . .I just remembered that I hadn’t confirmed the order online yet! The pizza’s not coming!

Googler #2: WHAT?! No pizza?! We’re all going to starve! And I can’t even email my parents goodbye!

Googler #1: I know. And to think that this could have been the one time I had an interesting tweet.

Googler #2: Hashtag sad.

Life’s Not Always a Fairy Tale

An ugly duckling is sitting near a pond with his classmate ducklings.

Normal Duckling: Look at the ugly duckling! He’s so ugly!

Ugly Duckling: Whatever. You can make fun of me all you want. In a few years, I’ll be a beautiful swan!

Normal Duckling: Um, you do realize we’re all going to be beautiful swans right? That’s kinda how it works. Ducklings become swans.

Ugly Duckling (pause): Damn it.

_______

The Little Engine that Could is struggling to make it up the hill.

Little Engine that Could (panting): I wish I could I wish I could I wish I could.

He makes it over the top of the hill.

Little Engine that Could: I did it! Wow, look at the view from up here.

He glances over the other side of the hill.

Little Engine that Could: Wow, the other side of the hill is pretty steep. Good thing I can rest here at the top.

His engine’s momentum starts to carry him over the other side of the hill. He hits the brakes but they don’t work.

Little Engine that Could: Noooooo! I wish I couldn’t I wish I couldn’t I wish I couldn’t!
____________________

Pinocchio is walking through a field.

Pinocchio (to himself): I can’t believe I finally became a real boy. This is so great. Ah, the breeze on my face. Feels so nice.

He notices a bee amongst some flowers.

Pinocchio: Oh, look at that. It’s a cute little bee! Come here bee and say hello!

The bee flies over and stings Pinocchio in the face.

Pinocchio:  What the hell was that?? Ouch, that really hurts!!! All that pain from a little bee?? Jesus, being a human is the worst!! CAN SOMEONE TURN ME BACK INTO WOOD PLEASE???

Why it’s best to keep up with tech trends in Silicon Valley

Girl and guy are chatting in a bar.

Girl: Well anyway, I have to run. It was great meeting you though.

Guy: Sure. It was great chatting with you as well!. We should definitely chat again. . .maybe next time we could get a room?

Girl: Um, excuse me?

Guy: You know, like a chat room?

Girl: What? Do those even still exist?

Guy: Oh yeah, we could get a private one and it would just be the two of us chatting. Very exclusive! I could give you a call about it sometime. Can I get your number?

Girl: I guess. . .

Girl pulls out her iPhone and the guy pulls out an early 2000s flip cell phone. The guy starts typing in the girl’s name very slowly.

Guy: Sorry about this. You know how T9 word is.

Girl: I actually really don’t.

Guy makes a few more mistakes and finally gets frustrated.

Guy: Ah screw it. Why don’t I just look you up online.

Girl: On Facebook?

Guy: No Friendster. It’s really cool. . .are you on it?

Girl: Is this for real?

Guy: Hmm guess not then. Well, no matter, I’ll just “ask” Jeeves if he knows anything about you.

Girl: Huh? Ok this has gone too far. I’m pretty sure no one even said that in the 1990’s. Please tell me you’re joking.

Guy: No. . .I really do have my own desktop computer, and I can use the Internet almost any night because my mom hardly ever gets any calls then!

Girl: I’m out of here.

The girl runs off.

Guy (shouting after her): Ok, well I’ll send you one of those AOL CD’s then so you can get online too!

Idioms my Way

I’ll try anything once. But I won’t try anything twice. I LOVE diversity.

A penny saved is a penny earned. Unless you stole the penny, in which case--give it back! You didn’t earn that penny!

The early bird gets the worm, but then that early bird gets eaten by the early cat, which gets in a fight with the early dog, so maybe it isn’t such a good idea to be early after all.

If a picture is worth a 1000 words, why do parents get so mad when their kids look at porn instead of writing their English papers?

A journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. However, a journey of a single step also begins with a single step. So don’t think just because you took that first step you’ve accomplished anything yet, pal. 

Cheap whores are a dime a dozen. Literally.


Whenever I get stuck between a rock and a hard place, I think "Man, I should have just become a geologist."


Curiosity killed the cat, while the dog still sits there slobbering happily. I guess ignorance really is bliss.

X-Ray Vision

Tommy: Oh my god Jimmy, I think our wish came true! We have x-ray vision!
 
Jimmy: Wow, you’re right. Wait, gross, quit looking at me!

Tommy: Whatever, let’s go outside and see who all we can see!

The boys run outside.

Jimmy: Whoah, look it’s Miss Nickels!

Miss Nickels (waving): Hey boys!

Tommy: She’s more incredible than I could have ever fathomed. This is awesome.

Jimmy: Quiet, you’re ruining the moment!

Miss Nickels goes inside.

Tommy: Well there goes heaven.

Jimmy: I know. . .hey but look over at that lady! She’s kinda far away but she could be a keeper.

Tommy (squinting his eyes): Yeah, she does look kinda hot. . .wait a second. . .dude is that my mom?

Jimmy (also squinting): Ah, maybe it is. I didn’t recognize her because, well, you know. . .

Tommy: Well okay but now you recognize her so quit looking!

Jimmy: Sorry, sorry.

Mrs. Sproutstickle, an older, very obese woman walks up behind them.

Mrs. Sproutstickle: Hello boys.

Tommy (turning around): Oh hey Mrs. Sproutstickle. . .no. . .NO. . .god Jimmy don’t turn around!
 
Jimmy (turning around as well): Why not? What is it. . .oh god. . .OH GOD. . .WHY DIDN’T YOU WARN ME?

Mrs. Sproutstickle: Well that’s no way to welcome your teacher boys. Are you ready for class tomorrow. . .and every day for the next year?

Jimmy: God this is NOT a fair trade-off for Miss Nickels. . .there’s no way I can do this every day for a year.

Tommy: I know, where are all the women’s locker rooms when you need them?

Jimmy: You idiot! That wouldn’t stop us from seeing Sproutstickle! I told you we should have wished for invisibility!

Tommy: I know. Well, there’s always our next lifetime.

Jimmy: True dat. With Sproutstickle around, I’m sure we'll be headed there soon enough.