Mission Accomplished

In 2003, President Bush made headlines by showing off a “Mission Accomplished” banner on an aircraft carrier as the Iraq war was still being fought. This actually wasn’t the first time the President declared something finished when it wasn’t quite over yet. . .

Bush: Wow, that was a great meal ya’ll! I am stuffed to the brim! Mission accomplished!

Advisor: Um. . .Mr. President. . .did you just eat the entire table’s bowl of soup? We actually still have 4 more courses. . .

Bush: Well shucks.

**

(The President sets down his Kindle)

Bush: Well that book was mighty swell. I read the whole thing in one day. Mission accomplished!

Advisor: Um. . .Mr. President. . .you’re only on page 4. . .all you did was finish the table of contents. Did you really think Gone with the Wind was only 4 pages?

Bush (stubbornly): I knew I should have just rented the movie.

**

Bush: Yee haw! Right on target! Definitely mission accomplished!

Mrs. Bush: Um. . .honey, you definitely have not finished yet. In fact, you're actually still wearing your pants.

Bush (pause): Oh yeah. . .I guess you’re right. I was wondering why you felt like jeans.

Some guys are a little too forward

Guy: Wow, this has been such a great evening.

Girl: Yeah, it has been a good second date.

Guy: So perfect. . .can I buy you another drink?

Girl: No thanks. But thanks for buying all those drinks earlier for my friends! You really wouldn’t let them pay, would you?

Guy: Of course not. You know, they say money doesn’t grown on trees, but I guess they’ve never been to my backyard. I have an actual tree that grows money. Fifties and hundreds mostly.

Girl: Um, really? That seems pretty improbable.

Guy: Improbable for most. But anything is possible for you, my love.

Girl: I’m sorry, but did you just call me your “love”? That’s pretty weird.

Guy: Anything for you, my love. Are you excited to visit my estate this weekend? I think Mother will really adore you.

Girl: Wait, what? You want me to meet your family on our third date?

Guy: Well I thought it would only be right given our news.

Girl: What news?

Guy: We’re getting married! Well, I guess it would be more appropriate to phrase that in the form of a question--will you marry me? Don’t say anything--I already know the answer!

Girl: Are you crazy? This is our second date!!

Guy: Sometimes fate is fate. Now, if we have a boy I was thinking we could name him “Marty” or “Phil”. Not sure yet for a girl. Thoughts?

(He reaches over and starts rubbing her tummy)

Girl: I think you’re insane! Now get your hand off of my stomach! We’ve barely kissed, and I now highly regret going that far!

Guy: No regrets. We have to live in the moment. As my mother always says, “A kiss leads to a baby. So don’t kiss any girls!” But do I regret not listening to her this time? Of course not, my love.

Girl: I’m out of here!

(She runs off)

Guy (calling after her): I understand. So much to buy for our young one!

They say you only have to learn 3 guitar chords to get laid at a party

Mike (strums guitar): Yeah! Woo hoo! Who’s ready for Free Bird?

Steve: Hey Mike, what are you up to? Just rocking out?

Mike: Yeah man, just wooing the ladies with my sweet guitar skillz. (whispers) I just picked it up last night, but don’t tell them that.

Steve: Nice. I love those two chords. Great choices. What’s your third chord?

Mike: What do you mean? I’m just jamming to the G and D chords man!

Steve: Ha ha Mike great joke. Seriously though--what’s your third chord?

Mike: Huh? They say you can get laid at a party if you only know 2 chords, so that’s all I learned dude!

Steve: Christ, you really don’t know a third chord do you? Crap, there’s Rachel. . .hide the guitar hide the guitar!

(Rachel walks over before Mike can do anything)

Rachel: Hey guys. Wow Mike, cool guitar. What can you play?

Mike: Well, let me show you, even though STEVE probably won’t be impressed.

(Steve starts shaking his head furiously as he stands behind Rachel. Mike plays the two chords he knows in an interesting pattern. He finishes with a bravado arm motion)

Rachel: Are you going to start playing soon?

Mike: Huh? I thought I just was playing. . .

Rachel: Oh, I just didn’t hear your third chord yet. Does that come in soon?

Steve: Yeah Mike, does it?

Mike: Um. . .well mostly it’s just those first 2 chords.

Rachel: You really only know 2 chords?

Mike: Yeah. . .G and D. . .

Rachel: You’re not getting laid tonight. Also, by association, neither is Steve.

(Rachel walks away quickly)

Steve (glaring): See what you did?

Mike: Wow, I wonder what I could get if I learned 4 chords.

Cosman: The Guy Cosmopolitan

HOW TO PREPARE FOR THE FIRST DATE:
1. Take a shower (optional)
2. Put on a shirt and pants (optional)


ARE YOU TOO HONEST WITH YOUR WOMAN?
Honest: Tell her you had dinner with a girl.
Too Honest: Tell her what happened after dinner.


HOW TO MAKE SEX GREAT:
1. Take off pants first.
2. Don’t come early. . . to her apartment. She might still have her
clothes on.


WHERE IS HER PLEASURE CENTER?
Between her legs, duh!


THE BIGGEST SEX MISTAKES:
1. Not taking off pants first.
2. Thinking that she wanted to have sex with your fat ass.


HOW TO TELL IF SHE’S PERFECT FOR YOU:
1. She’s straight.
2. She doesn’t have a restraining order or a pending restraining order.


HOW TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP LAST:
Learn her name before she leaves in the morning.


HOW TO KNOW IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS CHEATING ON YOU:
You find her panties in your friend’s/brother’s/Spanish gardener’s Wall of Panties


SEX SECRET:
Contrary to popular belief, there is another person in bed with you.


KEEP YOUR SEX LIFE ACTIVE!
Do it on a treadmill.


HOT NEW HAIRSTYLES
Shorter than it was before.


DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO PEE?
Go, dude. Honestly, just go.

If a modern cruise ship was headed toward an iceberg

Navigator (knocks loudly on the Captain’s door): Captain! Are you here?!

(Captain groggily moves toward door and opens it)

Captain: (yawns and slurs his speech): Is it time for the deck party already?

Navigator: No Captain, but I think you should see this right away!

Captain: I don’t have to read anything do I? Because I JUST got done doing a guest appearance at the mixology contest.

Navigator: No, Captain, but I think you should take a look at this map. It appears the ship’s computer might be way off with our coordinates. See, this is us here, and here’s where we should be.

Captain: Whoah. . .we’re in that tiny little ship? But it seems so big from up here!

Navigator: Captain, this is very serious. If we’re off by as far as this map indicates, we could be in a very dangerous position.

(pause)

Captain: That’s what she said!

Navigator: Captain! I really think you should put some pants on and come up to the galley with me.

Captain (acts as though he is checking a watch): Listen, as much NOT fun as you are, I’ve got some official ship business to take care of in my room.

(The Captain starts to shut his door. The Navigator stops him)

Navigator: Captain, I’ll be frank. I think the ship may be headed straight for an iceberg, and we need to act right now to avert a crisis.

Captain: Damn. . .you’re right about the ice. . .this is a tragedy. . .

Navigator: Yes, now that’s the Captain I like to see!

Captain: How did I FORGET to enter that ice sculpting contest! Now I’m going to have to wait until the next cruise!

(He slams the door)

Navigator: Well. . .at least the ship might be doing some carving soon. . .

OnlineDatingDumbThisBetter.com

In June 2011, a new online dating website--called  OnlineDatingDumbThisBetter.com--launched to help guys find the girl of their dreams. Here was their questionnaire for girls:

Welcome to OnlineDatingDumbThisBetter.com! Are you “the girl next door”? Do you make guys drool in airports and/or barbershops? Are you hotter than your mom? Then fill out this brief questionnaire to see if you can be one of our “Girls of Guys’ Dreams” girls!

You must check at least one answer choice per question:

I am:
a) ___ female

I am:
a) ___single

When a guy takes me out to eat, I prefer:
a)___ to pay
b)___ to split the check, but only after an epic struggle

I would describe myself as:
a)___Fun
b)___Nice
c)___Smart
d)___Ridiculously gorgeous, but also modest
e)___All of the above

When the date is almost over, I want the guy to:
a)___kiss me goodnight
b)___sleep with me goodnight

Rather than committed relationships, I believe most strongly in:
a)___open relationships
b)___crazy three-somes
c)___friends with benefits
d___all of the above

Something that would make me really angry at my date is:
a)___nothing would make me really angry at my date

My feelings on kids are that:
a)___they’re great--if they’re someone else’s
b)___I would like to have a few a LONG time from now, while also holding a steady job

My ideal date would be
a)___average looking
b)___average intelligence
c)___average sense of humor

I’m most proud of:
a)___my great job
b)___my incredible volunteer experience
c) ___my charming personality
c)___my family’s immense wealth
d)___that i can be this attractive and yet this humble
e)___all of the above