7 Rejected Sydney Transit Slogans

1) Variable Bus Arrivals! Keeping you on your feet. Figuratively and literally.

2) Trains that Take you Everywhere. . .the train goes, which is not far.

3) Sydney Taxis! Bringing the world's worst drivers to your door since a long time ago.

4) Sydney Car Share! Remember to drive on the left - I SAID LEFT AHHHH!

5) Sydney Drivers! Always respecting a Pedestrian's right to inspect their front bumpers.

6) Sydney Airport - Convenient  international access to New Zealand! And nothing else.

And my favorite:

7) Sydney Public Transit! Don't complain, you COULD live in an American city.

7 More Realistic Graffiti Expressions

1) I DO WHAT I WANT...you know, within the laws of physics- like I don’t fly, for instance.

2) JOHN WAS HERE...in spirit. In reality he was at home playing Call of Duty.

3) JOEY HEARTS MARY 4 3-4 MONTHS TOPS...there are other girls out there you know.

4) FUCK DA POLICE...unless, you know, there’s an actual criminal around.

5) SAVE THE WHALES...I Like Sea World too much to see them go extinct.

6) MADE IT TO THE TOP OF DA MOUNTAIN...thanks to my car and multiple buses.

7) FIGHT DA MAN...through anonymous art and Facebook likes. No real action though.

ALLstralia All the Time: Jokes from my time in Sydney

- Sydney is such a safe city that if someone hears a gunshot, they yell “Oh no! Someone’s car broke down! How can I help?”

- Sydney cops are actually so bored that they wear blindfolds to encourage crime. “OMG guys! We can’t see ANYTHING! I hope some CRIMINALS don’t find out about this!”

- Sydneysiders make the same scrunched-up, grumpy face when it rains that every girl makes when she sees me naked. They are NOT fans.

- I got excited when a doctor I randomly chose in Sydney turned out to be attractive. Then I thought: “Could her attractiveness save my life?” And i realized no, but at least it will be a happy death.

- In China, people “line up” for buses like the world outside the bus is 10 seconds from blowing up. In Sydney, they line up like there is hot lava all around the line, and if they take even a step out of it they’ll likely melt.

- But Sydney is not perfect. For instance, Sydneysiders care a LOT about what suburb you’re from. And never say Western Sydney, or you might be laughed out of the room. I used to think that was a bit prejudiced. But then I went and saw the 23 hours of darkness and giant roving monster bugs and realized, yeah, I’d prefer the eastern suburbs too!

- The difference between Sydney, San Francisco and Beijing can be summed up in the responses you’ll get to the following question: “Where can I get some good drugs?” In Sydney you’ll be taken to a nearby pharmacy, in San Francisco you’ll be taken to Dolores Park, and in Beijing you’ll be hauled off to jail and never heard from again.

- Don’t get me wrong though, Sydney is definitely not boring. And it’s always nice seeing the kangaroos just hopping down the street. . . just kidding there are assuredly NOT kangaroos just hopping down the street! And if you believed that for even a second you should probably come visit so you can replace your Aussie stereotypes with real memories of this beautiful place.

The 10 Reasons She Never Texted You Back

1) A weird phone carrier malfunction that only affected her phone. These are getting more common.

2) She dropped her phone in the toilet. Or the ocean. Maybe a mermaid will LOL at your cheesy joke.

3) “Wait, you have to press Send??” - Her

4) She’s been SUPER busy. In fact, she hasn’t even really looked at her phone, except of course to take #selfies.

5) She’s taking the time to craft the perfect reply. Not everyone has an Emily Dickinson inside them like you do.

6) She doesn't read too good. You might try communicating to her through a reality TV show.

7) Um, people actually send snapchats now. What are you, her grandma?

8) She wants to reply, but is a little intimidated. Maybe try being a little less good looking?

9) She actually did reply. Wait, you didn’t DELETE it, did you?

10) She’s just not that into you. . . HAHA just kidding! This is definitely NOT the reason.

Whatever it is, you’d better start Googling her to be sure she’s still alive. You know, better safe than sorry and all.

I Made a Funny

Dating

• I met this girl on Tinder the other night. It was love at first sight. . .of her boobs.
• I used to do online dating, and then I realized people could actually have cyber sex in person.

Drugs

• I thought about doing drugs once, but I was flat out of Tylenol. So I just smoked weed instead.

Bars

• Bouncers in Sydney have this tendency of asking you strange questions to see how drunk you are. This guy asks me how many drinks I’ve had, I tell him one, and then he asks “Why did you have a drink?” And I stood there in stunned silence. Finally I was like, “Because it was delicious!”
• Sometimes I set my drink down on random tables to see if anyone will spike it with drugs. Hey, free is free.

Animals

• Watching an awkward guy hit on a hot girl is like watching a Discovery Show channel about the African savannah, only the lion is retarded and the antelope is actually a shark that eats lions.
• I wonder if baby kangaroos every get motion sickness from riding around in a pouch all day.

How to Fix The MindHunters Screenplay in 7 Steps

I think the 2004 film Mindhunters is one of the worst movies ever made. Luckily, it's pretty easy to fix the script if you follow these 7 steps:

1) Get a printed copy of the script.

2) Sit down in a cozy chair next to the fire.

3) Make yourself some tea to really get in the writing mood.

4) Open up your laptop screen

5) Peer over your screen outside the window. Wow, it's starting to snow! But you’ve got more important things to focus on.

6) Pick up the script.

7) Now throw that script in the fire and start writing a screenplay that does not suck!

Judging 5 Classic Books by their Titles

I've only read the titles of these 5 classic books, but I'm pretty sure I have a good idea what they're about:

1. Moby Dick - Dark and twisted, it’s the true tale of one prominent DJ’s quest to uncover his true sexuality.

2. Catcher and the Rye - Comedy ensues when a baseball catcher and his wife switch bodies. Can she lead his baseball team to the World Series? More importantly, can he save the bake sale by cooking her specialty rye bread?

3. 1984 - It’s the heart-wrenching story of prisoners #19 and #84, who fell in love but were brutally separated when one is sent to solitary confinement for misbehavior.

4. Pride and Prejudice - In the African grasslands, drought isn’t the only issue one lion pride must overcome when Duncan, a lion with black fur, joins the group.

5. Grapes of Wrath - Just when you thought you were safe…your fruit may not be what it seems.