Dating
- I met this girl on Tinder the other night. It was love at first sight. . .of her boobs.
- I used to do online dating, and then I realized people could actually have cyber sex in person.
Drugs
- I thought about doing drugs once, but I was flat out of Tylenol. So I just smoked weed instead.
Bars
- Bouncers in Sydney have this tendency of asking you strange questions to see how drunk you are. This guy asks me how many drinks I’ve had, I tell him one, and then he asks “Why did you have a drink?” And I stood there in stunned silence. Finally I was like, “Because it was delicious!”
- Sometimes I set my drink down on random tables to see if anyone will spike it with drugs. Hey, free is free.
Animals
- Watching an awkward guy hit on a hot girl is like watching a Discovery Show channel about the African savannah, only the lion is retarded and the antelope is actually a shark that eats lions.
- I wonder if baby kangaroos every get motion sickness from riding around in a pouch all day.
