Conversations that probably would not happen

Husband: Honey, I think we’ve been having WAY too much sex recently. We should cut back.

Wife: No way. We should have even more sex. Also, you should watch more porn.

Husband: Do I have to?

**

Patient: Hey Doc, I’ve been feeling really happy recently.

Doctor: I see. And when exactly did this start?

Patient: Last Tuesday, I think.

Doctor: Un huh. And you’ve been pretty consistently happy since then?

Patient: Yeah, I’ve been enjoying EVERYTHING.

Doctor: Wow, well it’s good you came to see me when you did. Don’t worry, I think we can beat this. . .I’m sorry, not that you could worry. . .

**

Teacher: Ok kids, study up for the test, but remember not to study too hard!

Students: No, we want to study hard!

Teacher: Don’t do it! These are the golden years of your lives--go outside and have fun!

Students: But we want to be high achievers!

Teacher: I would’t recommend it. Did you know that most CEO’s were “C” students? Now me on the other hand, I used to be a high achiever and look where it got me.

Students: But teaching is the most noble profession in the world!

Teacher: You keep dreaming kid.

**

Coach: Joe, you’re the star of this team. I want you to be a real ball hog out there--just take every shot you can.

Joe: No coach! I want to pass and get my teammates involved.

Coach: Absolutely not. Your teammates are much worse than you are.

Joe: But Coach, there’s no “I” in team!

Coach: But there is a me. And that me refers to you personally. Without you, this team just becomes a “ta”. And nobody wants that.

**

Frat guy: I had 10 beers last night!

Frat guy #2: Oh yeah, well I only had 8 beers!

Frat guy: Damn, that is fewer.

**

Guy: Hey do you mind if I give you a kiss goodnight?

Girl: Yes I mind. But you may fuck me instead.

Guy: Oh come on, just one kiss?

Girl: No kissing. Only fucking.

Guy: Fine, but I hate you.

Google Maps may not have worked as well for other generations

1500’s

A. Start: Europe
B. End: New World

Time: 3 months
(6 months if your captain is a drunk. And he is.)

Sailing directions:

1. Start at Europe
2. Head west along the ocean.
3. Keep going for a long time.
4. Look up at the stars every once in a while. That bright one probably means something.
5. Hit dry land! This isn’t the New World though. It’s just some islands. Idiot.
6. Go Northwest to the real New World
7. Destination will be in front of you.
8. End at The New World
9. Duck! There are Native American arrows flying at you!


1800’s

A. Start: Chicago
B. End: Pacific Ocean

Time: 5 months
(7 months if your oxen are tired)

Oxen-drawn carriage directions:

1. Start at Chicago
2. Head west to St. Louis.
3. Stop there to pick up 26 pounds of meat, a chest of tools, and Grandma
4. Head west along the Oregon Trail
5. Reach large river. Choose if you will ford the river or not. Just kidding--these are directions not a damn Choose-Your-Own adventure.
6. After fording the river (and losing a few oxen), continue following the trail straight for 845 miles.
7. Listen to your child ask “Are we there yet?” every half mile for the whole 845 miles.
8. End at The Pacific Ocean
9. Immediately contract dysentery and die

2200’s

A. Start: Earth
B. End: Galaxy Far, Far Away

Time: 1.3 seconds
(1.4 seconds if you have an old teleporter)

Teleporter directions:

1. Start at Earth
2. Step into teleporter.
3. Arrive at Galaxy Far, Far Away
4. Realize that you forgot your shoes and now you’ll have to go ALL the way back to Earth to get them

This year, Jimmy got a real birthday surprise

Jimmy (fumbles with keys and opens apartment door): That’s weird, I don’t remember leaving all the lights off.

(lights all turn on at once)

Crowd: Happy birthday Jimmy!!!

Jimmy: Wow! Guys this is awesome--what a surprise!

Donna (walks over to Jimmy): Happy birthday friend!

Bill: Yeah, happy birthday big guy.

Jimmy: Wow, so were you guys behind this? So great! And you even got sweet tea vodka, my favorite!

Bill (to Donna): See, told you he would notice the booze first.

Donna (to Bill): Bill, shhhh!

Jimmy: What’s going on guys?

Donna: Jimmy, we’ve all come here to help you with your problem.

Jimmy: Problem? What problem?

Bill: You’re a drunk Jimmy. This is an intervention.

Jimmy: What?! This is outrageous!

Donna: Calm down Jimmy. We’re all friends here.

Jimmy: I don’t even know half these people!

Donna: Well, we got the chocolate cake you like for your birthday. You know how popular that is.

Bill (as he eats cake): Quite scrumptious, if I do say so myself.

Jimmy: This is something else! I can’t believe you’re doing this on my birthday!! And are these birthday hats really necessary?

Bill: Don’t be a party pooper Jimmy. The hats make everyone feel festive. Plus, you have not even opened your present yet--hint hint, it might just include 8 counseling sessions down at Mill Valley!

Jimmy: This is the worst birthday ever.

Donna: Oh, come on now--it’s not that bad--we surprised you didn’t we? Now let’s all have a drink to honor the birthday boy. . .oh, not you Jimmy. . .you can’t have any.

Jimmy: And people wonder why I drink so much.

It’s hard to be inspiring when you’re an intramural sports coach

Coach: Ok team, get excited because this is biggest game of the season! Today is the day we become world champions of the Intermediate Bracket 2 Level 3 Co-Ed Soccer League! Now, Johnson. . .you’re going to be vital to our strategy and. . .wait, where’s Johnson?

Joe: I think he had a test tomorrow so he’s not coming.

Coach: To the championship? Well, no matter. For the rest of you, get pumped because today is the day we will be forever remembered in the annals of the intramural log book down at the office! Today we are going to show our rivals the (looks at sheet). . .the Mike’s Other Shoe’s how WE play the game!

Joe: Um. . .coach? I think Mike’s Other Shoe switched divisions so we aren’t playing them anymore. I think we’re playing the 69 Machine now.

Coach: Well, fine. Whoever we play, the important thing is to give it your all out there for every minute of game time, whether that is 40 minutes, or a few minutes less because a class needs our field. Let’s go out and get those intramural champion t-shirts!

Joe: Um. . .coach?

Coach: God what now?

Joe: Well. . .I think Wendy at the office said they are out of t-shirts for the rest of the year.

Coach: No t-shirts?! Well. . .it doesn’t even matter team, because we play for the love of the game! Ah. . .who am I kidding. . .I really just wanted the t-shirt. I’m out of here.

Joe: Does this mean I should text Max and tell him not to pick up those Gatorades for your victory dousing?

Coach: I still want the dousing.