8 Completely Ebola-Free Jokes!

1. America’s Next Top Model: Starburst Edition would be a lot harder contest to judge

2. Kim Kardashian is the artificial sweetner of the human world. You know how fake she is, but dammit she’s everywhere and you just can’t resist

3. Tinder has really simplified the pick-up process, but I think we can do more. Why not just cut to the chase and have an app that lets you exchange boob and dick pics? Oh wait, that’s Snapchat.

4. Old people seem like they have all the time in the world, but they really don’t.

5. A girl’s true colors come out in the bedroom. Usually those colors are much lighter, because it’s harder to tan those places.

6. Sometimes when my roommate's cat kneads me I pretend like I’m getting a massage from a tiny person. The happy endings are never as good though.

7. You should see my acting when there is a seat next to me on a public bus. When a dude walks past, I’m just the sickest, grossest guy of all time, sniffling and shit. Then when a cute girl walks past, I’m suddenly a dapper gentleman, sitting up straight and smiling. Somehow, the dude always takes the seat anyway.

8. Just so everyone is aware, a lot of Swedish girls look like models AND they strongly prefer one-night stands to formal dating (according to Swedes I’ve spoken to). When God heard this, he immediately moved Heaven there, so don’t worry if you can’t go in your life - you’ll make it there eventually.

If Objects Could Talk

LOCK AND KEY

• Lock: Oh, here you come! Our embrace shall be short but sweet!
• Key: Yes lock, yes! I love you!
• Lock: I love you too. . .oh, it’s over. Back to doing nothing for hours

NEWSPAPER

• Yes! Yes pick me up! See, I still matter! I’m a physical representation of information!! Wait, don’t take me over there!!! DON’T YOU KNOW WHAT THE HAMSTER DOES OVER THERE?!?!?

ALARM CLOCK

• GET UP GET UP GET UP GET UP. Okay I’ll sleep for a little bit. . .OKAY TIME’S UP GET UP GET UP GET UP.

OLD SHOWER

• Ahh I’m nice and comfortable. . .NO I’M NOT, I’M SUPER HOT FOR NO REASON. . .ahhh back to comfortable . . .NOPE NOW FREEZING COLDNESS BRRRRR. . .woo I am a rush huh?

YELLOW STARBURST

• Yeah, you bragged earlier, Red and Pink, but who is laughing now, eh?? Me, because I’m NOT in some kid’s stomach. Yeah, I can just chillax and do whatever. . .it’s pretty chill. Yeah, just hanging out . . .so is anyone around? Anyone at all?? Damn this is boring.

WATER BOTTLE

• Jeeze man, make out with me again why don’t you?

TV REMOTE

• Dude, I’m here under the couch! Can’t you see me?? God I can’t believe you lost me again. Don’t you care man? Don’t you realize that I’M THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN SAVE YOU IF BIG BANG THEORY COMES ON!

DRIED OUT PEN

• Hey, just FYI I’m totes empty. . .dude, stop writing so hard, as I mentioned I have no ink. . .MY GOD MAN I’M OUT JESUS. .. aaaannnd now I’ve been thrown out the window.

The 7 FUNNIEST jokes in the world.

1) Whenever I see a signed business contract, I always think the person could have gotten their 4-year-old to sign and I’d never know the difference.

2) It was recently 60 degrees, cloudy, and a little windy. In Sydney, they call that “terrible weather”. In London, they call that “weather”.

3) I wonder if chimps ever look at humans and think “What the fuck evolution? We’re over here grunting and throwing feces and those guys are over there watching reality TV and listening to One Direction. On second thought maybe we’re not that bad off.”

4) I’m always astonished when I have a bad bus driver. Isn’t good driving ability literally the only qualification of the job? It would be like if I was a librarian and someone asked me for a book recommendation and I was like “Oh sorry, I can’t really read that good.”

5) Why do old people feel the need to feed pigeons? If they need a friend I’ll be their damn friend. And I come with 72% fewer diseases.

6) They were going to open an IKEA spin-off called “IKEA: Satin Version”, but people couldn’t really tell the difference from the original.

7) Last night I got hit on by a creepy guy at a bar. Between that and Emma Watson’s speech, I definitely better understand the female perspective. Jeez, sometimes a guy just wants to dance!

7 Rejected Sydney Transit Slogans

1) Variable Bus Arrivals! Keeping you on your feet. Figuratively and literally.

2) Trains that Take you Everywhere. . .the train goes, which is not far.

3) Sydney Taxis! Bringing the world's worst drivers to your door since a long time ago.

4) Sydney Car Share! Remember to drive on the left - I SAID LEFT AHHHH!

5) Sydney Drivers! Always respecting a Pedestrian's right to inspect their front bumpers.

6) Sydney Airport - Convenient  international access to New Zealand! And nothing else.

And my favorite:

7) Sydney Public Transit! Don't complain, you COULD live in an American city.

7 More Realistic Graffiti Expressions

1) I DO WHAT I WANT...you know, within the laws of physics- like I don’t fly, for instance.

2) JOHN WAS HERE...in spirit. In reality he was at home playing Call of Duty.

3) JOEY HEARTS MARY 4 3-4 MONTHS TOPS...there are other girls out there you know.

4) FUCK DA POLICE...unless, you know, there’s an actual criminal around.

5) SAVE THE WHALES...I Like Sea World too much to see them go extinct.

6) MADE IT TO THE TOP OF DA MOUNTAIN...thanks to my car and multiple buses.

7) FIGHT DA MAN...through anonymous art and Facebook likes. No real action though.

ALLstralia All the Time: Jokes from my time in Sydney

- Sydney is such a safe city that if someone hears a gunshot, they yell “Oh no! Someone’s car broke down! How can I help?”

- Sydney cops are actually so bored that they wear blindfolds to encourage crime. “OMG guys! We can’t see ANYTHING! I hope some CRIMINALS don’t find out about this!”

- Sydneysiders make the same scrunched-up, grumpy face when it rains that every girl makes when she sees me naked. They are NOT fans.

- I got excited when a doctor I randomly chose in Sydney turned out to be attractive. Then I thought: “Could her attractiveness save my life?” And i realized no, but at least it will be a happy death.

- In China, people “line up” for buses like the world outside the bus is 10 seconds from blowing up. In Sydney, they line up like there is hot lava all around the line, and if they take even a step out of it they’ll likely melt.

- But Sydney is not perfect. For instance, Sydneysiders care a LOT about what suburb you’re from. And never say Western Sydney, or you might be laughed out of the room. I used to think that was a bit prejudiced. But then I went and saw the 23 hours of darkness and giant roving monster bugs and realized, yeah, I’d prefer the eastern suburbs too!

- The difference between Sydney, San Francisco and Beijing can be summed up in the responses you’ll get to the following question: “Where can I get some good drugs?” In Sydney you’ll be taken to a nearby pharmacy, in San Francisco you’ll be taken to Dolores Park, and in Beijing you’ll be hauled off to jail and never heard from again.

- Don’t get me wrong though, Sydney is definitely not boring. And it’s always nice seeing the kangaroos just hopping down the street. . . just kidding there are assuredly NOT kangaroos just hopping down the street! And if you believed that for even a second you should probably come visit so you can replace your Aussie stereotypes with real memories of this beautiful place.

The 10 Reasons She Never Texted You Back

1) A weird phone carrier malfunction that only affected her phone. These are getting more common.

2) She dropped her phone in the toilet. Or the ocean. Maybe a mermaid will LOL at your cheesy joke.

3) “Wait, you have to press Send??” - Her

4) She’s been SUPER busy. In fact, she hasn’t even really looked at her phone, except of course to take #selfies.

5) She’s taking the time to craft the perfect reply. Not everyone has an Emily Dickinson inside them like you do.

6) She doesn't read too good. You might try communicating to her through a reality TV show.

7) Um, people actually send snapchats now. What are you, her grandma?

8) She wants to reply, but is a little intimidated. Maybe try being a little less good looking?

9) She actually did reply. Wait, you didn’t DELETE it, did you?

10) She’s just not that into you. . . HAHA just kidding! This is definitely NOT the reason.

Whatever it is, you’d better start Googling her to be sure she’s still alive. You know, better safe than sorry and all.